I Should Be Beyond This
“I should be beyond this.”
As if the landscape
slants in one direction
and we know our destination.
As if doubts were forever vanquished
to never leave room for questioning
love, capacity, the journey.
As if illness and sleepiness
don’t drain whatever willpower
keeps old patterns at bay.
As if low blood sugar
or that thing my coworker said
or the sudden onset of a memory
of words left unsaid
won’t throw anyone off their game
and leave them stumbling,
forgetting themselves.
“I should be beyond this”
is shame’s curtain of delusion
hiding both real progress
and its ephemeral nature.
Then shame tells you it was pride
to ever think that.
Damned if you do,
damned if you don’t.
The fantasy isn’t growth. It’s permanence.